Water Under The Bridge
by Pforte
Summary: AU: Bella wasn't so uncharacteristically lucky when she jumped off the cliff for recreational purposes and the last thing she felt for a long time was the crushing pain when she hit the water. BellaEdward
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note: **This story is AU but up to Bella's dive for recreational purposes everything is canon.

* * *

**Water Under The Bridge**

_chapter one_

The last thing she feels for a long time is the crushing pain when she hits the water. Typical, her mind states dryly, as she is sinking deeper and deeper, unable to move her legs and unwilling to struggle otherwise. So many others had jumped off that cliff before and nothing ever happened. How typical that _her_ body would be twisted from the fall and meet the hard surface at the wrong angle. She closes her eyes, ready to die here, surrounded by foaming and roaring water. It is icy cold like_ his_ skin. The only thing she craves is to hear his voice again.

Only once more.

_Oh, Bella, what did you do? _Her heartbeat accelerates. She doesn't want his voice to sound so profoundly sad. No, Edward, not like this. Her eyes open and all she sees is the stormy sea, a turbulent death trap of greens and blues.

And then, just as her lungs start burning and she is about to inhale salty water, strong hands clasp around her shoulders, then reach under her arms and pull her up, up, _away_. Her body is limp in his death grip, limp still as she is dragged onto the shore.

"Bella? Oh God, Bella. Are you all right?" Jake asks, his voice breaking. He looks panicked.

"Sure, sure," she imitates him, sputtering water in-between her words. Perversely, she feels betrayed. There is a part of her that wanted to drown, that longs to be in the roaring water. Her body is strangely numb. She feels the cold and ragged stone against her clammy palms but there is no pressure against her thighs, her legs. Nothing.

"What is it?" Jacob must have seen the frown on her forehead, the confusion in her eyes.

"Don't feel," she starts. The words seem heavy and jumbled together. It's hard to form even one coherent thought. Her mind is blocked by the image of golden eyes filled with pity and ancient sadness. "M' legs."

Jake turns his head and reaches over, probably touching the parts of her body she just described. "Do you feel this?" he asks anxiously.

"Feel what?" she mumbles dreamily. Her head is so heavy and roars like the sea.

"Shit," he hisses. She is only vaguely aware of another voice, possibly Embry's, but she can't be sure. It sounds far away. Her wet hair dangles like that of a broken doll, as Jacob pulls her up into his arms and carries her off, away from the water.

* * *

There is a constant beeping that annoys her into consciousness. Why doesn't it stop? Don't they know that she wants to stay in the dark and drown in silence?

"Bella, can you hear me? Bella?" It is Charlie's voice, she recognises it immediately. Her eyelids struggle against gravity. It's bright, all too bright. She blinks, hectic and disorientated.

"Bella, I'm here. Mummy's here. Please, stay with us," her mother's voice pleads. She and Charlie in one room? What did she do to bring that about? Oh, right, the cliff. She remembers jumping. Something must have gone wrong. Struggling to keep her eyes open, Bella tries to make out her surroundings: white, bleak walls; a monitor that is responsible for the nerve-wrecking beeping; her parents looking pale and tired but relieved as well. Oh, she must be in hospital once again. Coming to this easy conclusion is hard; her thoughts are tangled and thinking is like wading through a jungle without a machete. Her mind seems all woolly and, accident-prone as she is, she recognises this feeling as the after-effects of anaesthesia.

"Honey, you're all right now. You had surgery and you're in hospital but everything's fine," her mother assures her. Her voice sounds strange. Something isn't right but she can't place the expression in Renée's eyes. Charlie's smile seems forced. Bella closes her eyes. Maybe it's the drugs.

"I'm," she tries to speak but her mouth is dry and papery and the words get stuck on the way out.

"Shhhh, it's OK. The doctor said you're not allowed to drink anything just yet. Try to sleep a little more," Renée encourages her and Bella feels a hand pressing hers. Good, sleep it is then...

* * *

"How long have I slept?" She feels groggy when she wakes again but her mother doesn't seem to have left her side and looks tired enough for both of them.

"You slept through the day," Renée tells her. Bella blinks and looks for Charlie. "Visiting hours are over. They only allowed me to stay because I would have made a scene if they had made me leave," her mother explains, her chin raised stubbornly.

"What--" Bella starts.

"You had surgery but they can't say anything yet. Your fall was very unlucky," Renée interrupts. She doesn't look as if she wants to go into detail and, for the first time since her dive into nothingness, Bella is aware of the potential consequences. She may not be able to repeat this particular experience or anything else that requires the use of her legs. The realisation doesn't bring horror or fear, only calm acceptance of incontrovertible facts. She feels oddly detached from herself and any future Bella Swan may have had ahead of her.

"You should go home and catch some sleep, mom," she says and smiles encouragingly. "You falling off the chair will do neither of us any good." Renée protests but Bella convinces her that she is fine for now and doesn't want to worry about her mother being on the verge of complete exhaustion. Renée eventually agrees to leave her until the morning. Her mother must have had a hard time, seeing her like this, and Bella feels a new wave of guilt threatening to crush her. Minutes later, a nurse comes in and checks the apparatuses around her. She smiles distractedly, when she discovers that Bella is awake, but leaves without a word. And Bella is glad that she doesn't have to do small talk. Her position becomes increasingly uncomfortable, probably only because she can't move on her own, and she longs to lie on her back. For a while, she stares at the vacant chair, trying to make sense of all this. Why didn't she wait for Jacob? She shouldn't have tried this on her own, it was foolish and reckless and she probably deserved whatever consequences there may be now. But then, just like driving up to the Cullen house and making sure that the meadow existed, this had been something she simply had to do.

Just when she is about to doze off again, there is a blur in the corner of her eyes. She freezes. Has Victoria come back?

"Bella," a high and all too familiar voice calls out – melodic and smooth like honey. Bella stops breathing and turns her head very slowly towards the speaker. The sight of the tiny figure pierces her heart to the core. It has to be a dream. "Bella, I saw you jump," Alice goes on, suddenly standing next to her bed. With Alice, _seeing _gets an entirely different meaning. "I didn't see you come back up," she adds and Bella reaches out to make sure that this isn't a hallucination.

"You're real," Bella marvels, touching the cold and hard skin of Alice's arm. Her eyes are glued to the beautiful face of her friend.

"Of course I am, silly. Would you care to explain why you jumped off that cliff?" Alice asks seriously. There is something in the way she looks at Bella that makes her _understand _the hidden implication of the question. It's strange and probably worrying that she gets Alice immediately but failed to recognise her parents' anxiety for what it was. She takes a deep breath.

"Oh no, I didn't try to kill myself. It's just something I saw the other kids down at La Push doing, you know, for the thrill."

"The thrill?" Alice looks sceptical. "Since I never saw you resurface, how come you're still alive?"

"Jacob saved me," Bella explains. She cringes inwardly at the thought of how much saving she needed these past months. Embarrassed, she notices that she is still clinging to Alice's arm. "Sorry," she mumbles and lets go.

"Don't worry." Alice sits down on the chair her mother held watch on not long ago, a faraway look on her face. Only now Bella realises that it is plastic and probably very uncomfortable to sit on. "I'm not supposed to look for things concerning you but I can't block the visions that _come to me_. I told him but he doesn't want to hear," Alice grumbles. "This _Jacob_ never appeared in it. I thought you drowned."

Bella puts a loose strand of hair behind her ear, ashamed. As happy as she is for having Alice here, seeing her again, she didn't want her to find her like this. "I'm just so glad to see you."

Alice sighs. "You're supposed to be safe now."

Bella snorts. "Tell that Victoria," she says without thinking.

"What was that?" Oh, _crap._ If Alice learns about her problems, she might feel compelled to do something about them. For old times' sake. Bella doesn't want anyone else getting involved, risking their lives, and especially not petite, ethereal Alice.

"Nothing."

"Bella!" Alice glowers at her.

Fear grips her heart. No, Alice must not get mad; she must not leave her so quickly! The surge of panic welling up inside her makes Bella compliant. And so, heaving a sigh of defeat, Bella tells her about Laurent, Victoria and how her werewolf friends protected her. The words keep flowing, they unravel like a ball of wool. It takes long to get everything off her chest and she yawns through the last sentences. Keeping all this to herself, worrying about it all the time, has been more exhausting than she thought. Alice's jaw works and she looks very tense but she lets Bella finish without interruptions.

"It's almost ridiculous, the way you're attracting danger," she eventually says, her voice surprisingly even.

"Uh-huh." Fighting off sleep, Bella watches her friend closely through heavy eyes. Alice hasn't changed, of course she hasn't. Her pixie-like beauty is still intact. It takes Bella a few seconds to notice that her eyes are pitch-black and that she looks paler than usual. "You're thirsty," she states unnecessarily. Everything not to fall asleep.

Alice shrugs it off. "I came here as fast as possible. But you're tired and I --"

"No, don't leave me, Alice!" Bella exclaims, panicked, gripping her friend's arm again. They haven't mentioned her brother's name but just by being here Alice is a link between him and Bella, between the world before and after that damnable day in the forest. A link that broke abruptly in a tangle of trees and ferns too long ago.

"There, calm down," Alice says, petting Bella's outstretched arm, and then suddenly goes rigid. "You alerted the nurse. I'll be back in the morning, I promise. But I need to go hunting first." She gives her a tiny smile, undoes Bella's firm grip easily, and one blink later she is gone. Listening to the hurried steps of the nurse, Bella falls back onto her pillow and hopes beyond hope that this wasn't just her imagination.

* * *

Alice doesn't arrive before, during or after breakfast. Not that Bella feels like eating the barely edible looking hospital food but a friendly male nurse persuades her to at least have the yoghurt, and then hands her a couple of capsules. Bella swallows them without comment. She doesn't know what they are for – she hasn't even asked what exactly her condition is – since she still feels as if in limbo. If only Alice keeps her promise! But the first person to arrive is Renée and then Charlie shows up with Jacob. With them Bella's hope to see Alice any time soon dwindles. She must have seen her visitors and will undoubtedly stay away until after they left. Anxious and impatient as she is, Bella's answers to her parents' and Jacob's gentle enquiries and attempts at small talk are monosyllabic. It doesn't take long for Charlie to comment on that.

"Bella, are you feeling all right?" he asks and nearly blushes when Renée gives him a look of utter incredulity. No, tact has never been Charlie's forte but Bella finds this mostly endearing. "I mean, erm, all things considered." He squirms on his chair, uncomfortable. Jacob finds the whiteness of the walls very interesting.

It won't take much more and Bella will burst into hysterical laughter; she feels like crying more than anything, but she can't and won't allow herself to break down in front of her parents and Jacob. No, they saw enough of her being weak and battered. There is more, even if Bella is embarrassed to think about it. A selfish voice in the corner of her mind, a voice which is steadily getting louder, wants them to leave sooner rather than later, so that Alice can come visit her. The same voice remains remarkably silent on the possibility that her hope might be in vain.

Strangely enough, Jacob seems almost shy around her mother, although Renée is everything but the intimidating type. He rarely speaks and his arms are crossed in front of his chest during the entire visit. There is no need for him to be nervous; Bella can see the warm and grateful looks Charlie and Renée both throw in Jacob's, their daughter's saviour's, direction. She is unsure of her own feelings. Death would have sealed the hole in her chest but she has never been one to just give up. Yet, she is so tired of wanting the impossible. Edward will never come back to her. There, she thought his name and immediately feels the familiar sting.

"Thanks, Jake," she says quietly when the three of them are saying their goodbyes. "For, you know, saving my life." Hurriedly, as if they have been waiting for Bella to speak these words, Charlie and Renée leave the room.

"I wish I had been there to stop you," Jake says gruffly. She puts her hand on his big one, not even covering half of it.

"Nobody could have done that," she whispers.

Jacob chuckles but there is no trace of humour in it. "Bella, if only you loved life half as much as your bloodsucker." Abruptly he pulls his hand away.

It hurts because there is truth in what he says. Bella lives on because that is what Edward wanted her to do, but she cannot forget what it was like when he was the centre of her life, when he was her everything, when life was worth living. There must have been a time when she was content with just living day after day but she cannot remember how she felt then. Without Jacob she might not have been able to go on. Jacob, her personal sun.

"I wonder, Bells, what he would have to say to you now? Would he care at all?" Jacob's words are tinged with bitterness, which makes them even harder to swallow. Bella has no air left in her lungs to reply. Struggling to keep her composure, she focuses on the anger welling up inside her. How _dare_ he speak to her like that?

"Out," she grits out eventually.

His eyes widening with the comprehension that he went too far, again, he scrambles for words to make up for his blunder. "I...I'm worried, OK? You...I don't know how to say this. I was freaked out when I had to pull you out of the water. I thought you were --"

"Please, Jacob. I need you to leave. I can't...deal with this right now." It sounds desperate to her ears but so be it. He can never understand what it is like for her. He tries to make it better, tries all the time, but he will never be able to fill the gap, because he doesn't understand how vast it is.

"It wasn't him then," he says with grim satisfaction. She can see that he's trembling, that he is fighting with anger.

"What?"

He sneers at her. "I can _smell_ them, Bella. I can smell your leeches. They stink like rotting fruit, only worse. The whole time I have been trying not to lose it and transform in front of Charlie and Renée and...you. But I knew that one of them was in this room, was here with you. It wasn't him, though, was it?"

Understanding dawns on her. No, he hadn't been shy or at a loss for words, not Jacob. He had been trying to protect her parents. "No," she brings herself to say.

"Yeah, well, think about that." The smile he gives her is unpleasant but she can't muster the irritation she felt before. He never made a secret out of his dislike, no, hatred for the Cullens and he probably can't help it either. So she only presses her head into the pillow and keeps her eyes shut until she hears the door closing.

* * *

Nurse Ellen helped her turn to the other side earlier. She is a good-natured but brusque woman around forty, who clearly likes her job despite the long hours she works.

It's ridiculous how nice it is to see the other side of the room. It is not as bleak as the side she already knows by heart since she can see a picture with sunflowers and the small window. The blinds are drawn though, which feels oddly symbolic to her confused mind. Forks is a small town with mostly healthy people and so it is not surprising that she has a room to herself. Bella is glad for it. If she had had a conscious roommate he would have noticed her growing anxiety.

Alice turns up when the lights are out. Silent as a shadow, she stands in the door that was closed only moments before. Bella has been listening to the hushed voices leaking through from the corridor. Some of the staff must be secretly listening to the radio.

"The room smells like your werewolf friend," Alice says, wrinkling her nose.

"You have something in common then. He doesn't like the way you smell, either," Bella answers, delighted at the very sight of the vampire.

"It seems that I can't see anything where these dogs are involved. I almost died of shock when your future disappeared a few hours ago. I couldn't see a thing," Alice complains.

"Jake would be thrilled to know that," Bella muses aloud. She is not sure whether she will share this piece of information with him in the near future, since she is still mad at him.

"I can imagine," Alice says dryly and closes the door. The room is suddenly veiled in darkness and Alice becomes a shadowy figure most people only ever see in nightmares. When she comes closer, her movements are as fluid as water. She switches on the light on the bed stand a second later and Bella can see that her eyes are warm and golden now. However, she looks anxious about something.

"Bella, I'm not sure how to tell you this but I kind of called Edward," she blurts out, avoiding Bella's eyes.

"Oh." The colour drains from her face, as Bella tries to wrap her mind around the news. She stares stupidly at the tiny figure of her friend.

"He's coming here," Alice adds. She looks up at Bella's next words.

"Why is that?"

"Because he's worried and he wants to be here." Alice sounds as if this is the most logical and natural thing in the world, which doesn't need an explanation.

Something inside Bella becomes loose and she snaps, "So all it took was a leap off the cliff, huh? Should've done that earlier then."

"Not funny, Bella." Alice glares at her.

"Not meant to be," Bella replies hotly. The prospect of seeing Edward, really _seeing_ him, makes her hands clammy and causes her stomach to drop into nothingness.

Alice's eyes soften and she sits down on her heels and takes her hand. The coldness sends a thrill through Bella's body.

"It's just," Bella whispers, her voice on the verge of breaking, "I needed him before. _Nothing changed._ It was so hard, the thought of never seeing him again..." She has to stop and concentrate on breathing for a while. "Alice, I had _no one_ to talk to. I lost the most important thing in my life and nobody would _understand_. You try living like that."

Alice hisses something under her breath not loud enough for Bella to hear. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound friendly. Tied to the bed by her current state, Bella cannot even try to escape the inevitable. _Not that you could outrun me. _His words have never been truer. No, she can't outrun him, she never will and she isn't ready to face him!

_...to be continued_

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Feedback is love, so please let me know what you think and **review**!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Your feedback means a lot to me.

* * *

**Chapter two**

"Whatever you're thinking of him right now, he is truly worried," Alice tries to assure her.

Oh, _good for him_. "If he is so worried, why isn't he here already?" Bella snaps, angry to be trapped like this, angry that he is bound to see her like this.

Alice sighs and stands up, facing away from Bella. "He hasn't been around. He was in South America when I called him." She turns and smiles sadly. "Even we have limitations. He took the first plane he could get on."

Bella huffs. South America. He was probably occupied, enjoying his _distractions_. How unfortunate that she couldn't look after herself.

"Bella, stop it. I can see what you're doing," Alice warns her and Bella feels shame and guilt washing over her immediately. Alice is right, of course. People break up every day – her parents were the best example of the ephemeral nature most romances had. It's time she internalises the truth; whatever they had, whatever felt so special, is over.

"What have you been up to since you left Forks?" she asks to distract herself.

"The family lives in Cornell but I was visiting our friends in Denali when I got the vision. Esme is busy restoring a historical monument, Carlisle works day and night, Jasper studies philosophy and Rose and Emmett just returned from another honeymoon in Europe."

She excluded Edward from her story and Bella wonders why he doesn't stay with his family. It doesn't seem right. Has he met someone he'd rather spend his time with? Another vampire maybe?

Alice has the faraway look she usually gets when she concentrates on her visions. Bella has no doubt that she is focussing on her brother. Despair threatens to swallow her whole. She doesn't know how it happened but, suddenly, the thought of having disappointed him makes her cringe. It's too much. Why would he be worried in the first place? When he left her, he must have been aware of the fact that he left a human behind, that she would die sooner or later and that she could get hurt any minute. _Fragile,_ he used to call her.

"He'll be here in a few minutes," Alice finally says. She eyes Bella slyly. "So you don't want to see him at all?"

Bella doesn't have to think about it. "Of course I do," she admits bleakly. The prospect of seeing him one more time scares her more than anything but she'd be damned if she missed this opportunity. The mere thought of hearing his silky voice sends her heart aflutter.

"That's good because I'm pretty sure I couldn't stop him," Alice grins. She steps closer and reaches for Bella's hand. The contact with her cold skin shocks her once again. "See you," she mutters and squeezes Bella's hand reassuringly. What she really means is _good luck_ but they both know that Bella isn't getting a lot of that lately.

* * *

She has only a few minutes to freak out. Nervously, she is running her hands through her hair, trying to comb it with her fingers, while her thoughts are running amok. This is really happening, Edward is going to be in this room with her – and she is a mess. Not sure why her looks are so important right now, her jittery mind reflects on what the advantages of not feeling her heart in the same way she doesn't feel her legs would be. She looks over at the white plastic alarm clock on the bed stand. 11.47. How telling that he will appear in time for the witching hour.

A slight breeze announces her visitor. She looks up slowly and there he is.

Edward.

He is truly standing in the doorway and she drinks in the sight greedily, trying to catch every little detail at once. The real Edward differs from the one in her dreams and memories, though possibly only to someone who knows him as well as she does. His hair is uncharacteristically dishevelled to the point of neglect and he looks like he slept in his clothes, which is of course ludicrous.

"Bella," he breathes, tentative as if he expects her to contradict him. For only a few seconds she closes her eyes, a weak attempt at processing their strange reunion. When she opens them again, the door is shut and he stands closer to her bed. He looks haunted, his black eyes wild and burning with emotions she cannot decipher. Dark shadows encircle his eyes, betray his hunger. Yet, he is still the most beautiful boy – man – she has ever seen. She cannot find her voice just yet and contents herself with looking at him. It is almost surreal, the way he is timeless, because she has changed so much. He is like an echo of the past, a time when smiling wasn't only a charade and happiness came easy.

The bed, a piece of furniture they shared so many times before, now seems like a barrier – insurmountable and ominous. Bella lies in no-man's-land and Edward cannot reach her. Unmoving like a statue he stands there, looking at her in very much the same way she stares at him.

"You promised, Bella," he eventually says in that velvety voice she missed so much. "You promised not to do anything stupid." It is underwhelming as far as reunions go.

"And you promised never to leave me. Life is full of disappointment," she answers, surprised by the edge to her voice. He flinches visibly and she feels instant remorse. "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair," she whispers.

"No, I deserved that," Edward murmurs and his expression darkens. The realisation that he feels guilty about what happened pains her. It wasn't his fault, as much as she wants to blame her misery on someone else. Her throat constricts painfully as she tries to keep the tears away. With him looking so forlorn and guilt-ridden, it's a lost battle.

"Well, it was stupid and reckless and I'm sorry that I hurt so many people," Bella sobs out. Her tears break through the invisible barrier. He is beside her in a heartbeat and takes her hand, as if he doesn't dare touch anything else. Feeling his hard hand around hers electrifies her, thrills her a thousand times more than Alice's touch before, and warmth spreads through her body. Slowly, as if it is something immensely difficult and painful, he leans closer and inhales. She holds very still, not even daring to blink. _So close, so close to perfect bliss._ A sad smile caresses his mouth as he pulls back.

"Oh, Bella, you mostly hurt yourself," he says softly and presses his lips against the warm skin of her hand. She shivers but doesn't pull away. She never does because this is what she lives for. His sweet scent surrounds her, leaving her lightheaded, but she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Strangely enough, it doesn't hurt," she contradicts him. No, not physically. There are older wounds and the big aching hole where her heart used to be but Edward mustn't know about that. He feels guilty enough; she can tell from his tormented eyes and tense posture.

"I know. They don't even have to give you morphine." His voice cracks, his eyes fixed intently on her hand. Yes, he probably knows better about her condition than she knows herself. Not only could he read the doctors' and nurses' minds, he had studied medicine himself. There is no fooling, no sparing him in this regard. Strange, how she hasn't thought about it herself though. No morphine, no pain, no nothing.

"Why, Bella? Why did you do that?" Not being able to read her thoughts must be even more frustrating than usual because he now stares so intensely at her as if this alone will extract the reason and give him the answer he needs.

Bella bites her lip and averts her eyes. _Because I wanted to hear your voice _sounds like a rather psychotic reason now. "It was supposed to be fun. You know, a _human_ fun thing." Edward growls at that and Bella curses herself silently. What is it with her and these passive-aggressive snide remarks? It is not Edward's fault that she cannot let go...like he did.

Ever so softly, his cold fingers curl around her chin, forcing her to look up to him. "You never struck me as the extreme-sport kind of girl," he grits out, his eyes smouldering with uncountable emotions. She can't _not_ tell him the truth then.

"It...it is rather silly. You won't like it," she says contritely. No, he won't. She doesn't like it either and now there is the feeling of having failed him, which seems absurd all things considered. _Silly Bella_, he used to say and he was right. She should have tried harder to resist, to move on.

"I would like to hear it just the same, if you don't mind."

She looks down then, unable to meet his gaze. It is hard enough to talk, with him being so close. "After you left, well, I found out that I could hear, no, _remember _your voice very clearly when I did something dangerous. It's like you were standing right beside me, trying to talk sense into me. I...it _hurt_, of course, but I couldn't not...want to hear it. So I asked Jake to repair these motorcycles..." Another growl. "And this worked for a while. I did other stuff you don't want to hear about. And then there was the cliff and I had planned to do this for a long time but then Jake wasn't there and I decided to jump on my own...despite you telling me not to." She sighs, defeated and humiliated. "I'm sorry, Edward. I just couldn't move on like you did."

"What?" His voice is sharp with disbelief and she looks up, confused. Something in her expression lets him recoil as if slapped. In an instant he is pressed against the wall. She has never seen him so horrified. "You _believe_ that. You truly believe that," he mutters hollowly. "Oh, _Bella_!"

"What?" she asks, completely dumbfounded. He doesn't answer right away but starts pacing up and down the room, tense like a caged tiger, pinching his nose and muttering under his breath. She knows the signs – Edward is upset and tries his best not to lose his temper – but the reason for his anger mystifies her. Watching him silently, she wonders why she isn't more troubled, why she isn't even a tiny bit scared. She used to be. Perhaps the Bella before the fall and the Bella after the fall are too different to react in the same way.

He finally comes to a stop, so abruptly that it startles her out of her reverie. If only she wasn't invalid, she could go over to him and..._and then what_? Edward does not want her to close her arms around him, to press kisses against his neck and stroke his hair. It hurts too much to breathe for a moment.

He pulls the plastic chair closer to the side of her bed and sits down, looking even more haunted and desperate than before.

"I need to tell you something about the day I left," he begins in a low voice. His words make her tense up immediately and she tries to hide her face in the pillow. Anything but that! A cold hand on her cheek, the touch tender and painful at the same time, lures her out of her hiding place. "Please, Bella, listen to what I have to say." She nods numbly, bracing herself for what is to come.

"When I told you that I didn't want you anymore, I _lied_," he tells her and for a second she isn't sure whether it's just her mind playing tricks on her. "I lied because it was the only way. I love you, Bella, this is unchangeable and permanent. I only left because you have a right to a normal life without the hazard of a vampire coven thirsting for your blood, without the dangers of being around us, being around _me_."

She stares at him stupidly, not sure if he is speaking the same language as her. It can't be. He left because he was bored, because he realised that being around her was more trouble than it was worth. He told her so.

"I don't...understand," she croaks, a great lump blocking her throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe, let alone speak.

His eyes are bright with fierce determination. "Bella, please try to understand my motives. I thought leaving was best for you. You're so young and pure and being with me corrupted the life you had, no, still have ahead of you. How could I stay with you if your life was in danger every minute we spent together? You were so determined to barter your soul for the miserable existence of a blood-drinking monster that you neglected to consider --"

"You left..._for my sake_?" she interrupts him disbelievingly.

"Yes," he replies simply, as if this is the only possible answer.

It takes a while to settle in, this new and startling piece of information. It is hard to even consider this to be the truth but he sounded so sincere just now, so much more like the Edward she knew that consider it she must. The way he acted around her after her disastrous birthday party, his detachment and reluctance to be with her, the way his family disappeared without so much as a goodbye – it all adds up to a different story now. A different truth. But with realisation comes anger. This is just so absurd, so utterly stupid; she cannot believe that he left her _for her sake_.

"You don't know me very well, Edward, do you?" she asks him after a silence that must have been torture for him. He looks puzzled.

"Excuse me?"

"How many humans who are in love with a vampire do you know? Girls who know that their boyfriend wants to kill them every second he is around them. Girls who find out that the only human they ever bonded with isn't human after all but a werewolf. Seriously, Edward, I'm not _normal_. I never was. How on earth could you believe that leaving me would make me _happy_?" She gets more and more agitated, her voice climbing a few thirds as she goes on.

"Bella, please, calm down. The night nurse will hear you," he hushes her. Bella huffs and tries to turn away, which – her body being uncooperative – proves rather difficult. "Look, Bella, I am almost one hundred and ten years old. I know all about human nature, or at least I thought I did, and when you lose someone, you grieve and you cry but then you move on. It's in your nature."

Her head snaps back. "Oh, thank you very much, Edward." He blinks, not understanding. "For presuming to know better than I do myself. My feelings for you were never just a fancy." Her voice breaks and she blinks angry tears away.

And then it hits her. Edward claims to love her, to still _love her_. The impact of his words is delayed but it is intense when it comes. Cold and hard like a fist in her stomach, it hits her with such force that she nearly blacks out.

His hands cradling her face, anchoring her, are what keeps her conscious. "Bella, oh no, Bella! What is it?" he asks sharply.

"Something you said earlier," Bella manages to get out, gasping.

Edward look horrified once more. "Something _I_ said?" He lets out a desperate, humourless laugh. "How can I even think of begging you for forgiveness if I can't make it through one conversation without hurting you?" He is so close that there is no escaping his sweet breath. _Like a carnivorous plant luring the oh so willing prey to certain death_. Only this, this _hope_, is worse than death. Bella shudders and he instantly lets go of her.

"My apologies. I have no right to this kind of intimacy anymore," he says slowly in a pained voice.

For a long moment, Bella is at a loss for words. If there is one person who could never forfeit the right to touch her it is Edward, but she can't reassure him now that she is so lost herself. The only way to keep them both from slipping is to change the topic, so she asks, "What about your distractions?"

He smiles sadly. "Another lie."

"So many lies," she whispers. "And for what?"

"I failed you and that's inexcusable," Edward states darkly. A part of her agrees because all this is not fair. She is broken, really and irrevocably broken this time, and not even Carlisle will be able to stitch her up.

His sudden movement startles her; he left his seat at her side and stands at the window, facing away from her. He can't see anything, not with the blinds down, so she assumes that he doesn't want to face her for whatever he is going to say next. A memory of her stumbling through the forest flashes before her eyes and she feels instantly sick. _No, not again._

"Edward," she starts, surprised by how steady her voice is. "Do me the courtesy of looking at me as long as you're in this room."

He spins around so fast, it's only a blur to her human vision. "I'm sorry. It's just...never mind. It was very impolite." He gives her an apologetic smile and her heart almost melts. "Bella, what I did is truly inexcusable and I would..._understand_ if you never wanted to see me again. Do you want me to leave?"

_What? _"Are you out of your mind?" she asks sharply, speaking her mind before she can edit her thoughts.

"I quite obviously can't read yours," he mutters, distressed.

"I never wanted you to leave in the first place. You have no idea how I...and now you come here and..." she cannot finish her little rant before the panic overwhelms her. How can he even think of leaving? Does he enjoy seeing her suffer blow after blow? Did he even listen to what she said earlier?

"I'm only trying to do what's best." She can see him flexing his hands in a wholly unexpected gesture. He's _nervous_. It's laughable. He doesn't know what to do any more than she does.

"Edward," she sighs, "how about asking me for a change before deciding what's best for me? I might be a cripple now but I didn't fall on my head."

She doesn't expect his reaction. He growls fiercely and lunges out for her, making her heart skip a beat. Before fear can overtake her, he has her cradled against him awkwardly, pressing cold but fervent kisses against her hair and forehead, his hands caressing her neck, her face, holding her close.

"Never, Bella, never say that again. You're still the most beautiful...the perfect...oh, Bella, I love you so much, never doubt that," he mumbles between kisses. And she cannot doubt him, not now. She breathes and inhales his unique scent, she moves and feels his cold but familiar hands, the hardness of his chest, she opens her eyes and sees the immaculate skin of his neck. He is everywhere, her Edward, and suddenly she feels _right_ again. With a sigh she melts into his half-embrace, the bed being too narrow to accommodate them both. For a while this is enough. She craved the safety of his arms for too long. But then, in the back of her mind, a small voice utters its doubts. It can't be that easy. Edward was able to leave her when she was whole, how could Edward be here now and love a bedridden cripple? The feeling of it being _too late _doesn't wholly leave her. Her arms find their way around him, trying to hold him closer.

* * *

She doesn't sleep that night. The hours fly by while she is lying in his arms. He tells her what life was like for him after he left his family and how he had been lying curled up in a derelict attic, when Alice called him and told him about her accident, how for a few seconds he believed the worst had happened and how he had felt then.

"It was the worst moment of my life," he says, the pain evident in his voice. "It was as if the world stopped spinning and every light went out. I can live when I'm away from you, even if I could barely make it through the days, but I _can't_ live in a world where you don't exist." He presses another kiss against her temple. "My legs had started moving on their own and I was already on my way to the airport when Alice informed me about the circumstances leading to you jumping off that cliff; she told me about your werewolf friends, about Laurent and Victoria. Bella, you cannot imagine my horror! I thought you'd be safe with us gone. Never in a million years would I have left if I had known that Victoria was still after you. And that you would have to rely on young and volatile werewolves to protect you from her." He growls the last words and pulls her closer to his chest.

"Jacob saved my life in more than one way. And he isn't dangerous. Without him and the pack I'd be dead," Bella defends her best friend.

"And I am deeply indebted to him for everything he did to keep you safe."

Bella shakes her head. "It's not only that, Edward. When you were gone...well, the fact that I'm here illustrates that I haven't dealt with this all that well. I would be in far worse shape if Jacob hadn't been there for me."

"I see," he says in a strangled voice. They are silent for a while. "I cannot undo the last eight months," Edward says a little later. "But I'm here now and I will never leave you again."

_Never say never_, Bella thinks. Her eyes are heavy and dry. It's been a long night but she can't bring herself to go to sleep. She revels in his touch, his presence. Edward wants her to be reasonable, he even hummed her lullaby, but she fought sleep off successfully. She wishes this night would never end.

But it does. When twilight filters through the blinds, Edward disentangles himself from her.

"Bella, love, a nurse will come and check on you in a few minutes. And in two hours the doctor will do his ward round. I checked the schedule." His words are as soft as his eyes on her and he looks reluctant to let go of her.

_Don't leave me_, her overtired mind screams but there is no hiding place in her room, no closet for him to stay in.

"I will be back. I told you that I cannot and will not leave you again," he assures her. Apparently she is still easy to read. "I need to call Carlisle to make arrangements for our return to Forks but I'll be back as soon as possible." He hesitates for a moment, looking slightly anxious, before he bends down to kiss her. He has avoided her lips until now and she was both disappointed and glad, fearing the fresh pain once he leaves her again. She can't pull back and the bigger part of her doesn't want to, to hell with the consequences. When their lips meet her heart nearly bursts. It has been dormant and numb for so long that the feeling overwhelms her, the sensation of his smooth lips moving against hers being too much. She gasps and thereby breaks the kiss.

"Bella?" His voice is hardly audible. Her lips are still burning and her entire being is on fire. Dante was right; the inner circle of hell is cold as ice. "I'll stay with you, do not fear. But I need to know...Do you still love me?" he asks, his voice so low that she nearly misses it. She opens her eyes, noticing only now that she had them squeezed shut, and sees the pain she feels reflected in his eyes.

"Of course I do, that's why it hurts," she replies and lifts one hand to touch his pale cheek. Hesitantly, her fingers travel to his mouth, tracing the soft skin of his lips. He lets out a shaky breath.

"I can't make you forget, Bella, but I will regain your trust," he swears solemnly and covers her fingers with his hand, holding them still, so that he can kiss their tips. With this promise he leaves her just seconds before the nurse comes in.

_...to be continued_

* * *

_I really hope you liked this chapter. Reviews are very welcome. _


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note: **This story is AU but up to Bella's dive for recreational purposes everything is canon.

* * *

**Chapter three**

He doesn't leave the hospital. He can't because he promised not to leave her again. The doctor has been in to see her and his thoughts made him cringe. No chance of full recovery, none at all. He couldn't be more to blame if he had pushed her off the cliff himself.

Edward hasn't called Carlisle yet. Shame and guilt keep him from dialling the familiar number. His father had known that leaving Bella behind was a bad idea and he had warned Edward of the potential consequences for them both. He didn't listen then and now he cannot speak.

That's when he hears her. Alice. _Come out here, Edward. We need to talk. _

She is waiting for him in the parking lot, casually leaning against Carlisle's Mercedes, her eyes hidden behind fashionable sunglasses. He stops in the entrance, eying her warily.

_Did you bother to check the weather report? Today is going to be sunny. The parking lot will be flooded in sunlight in ten minutes, so stop being difficult and get over here now! _She's so angry that her thoughts tumble together. For a split second he considers getting back inside but as Dr. Cullen's son he is well-known and the risk of being seen is too great. Bracing himself for whatever his favourite sister has to say, he makes his way over to her.

"Alice," he greets her evenly. She only glares at him and gets into the car.

_Stubborn, moronic bastard_, she thinks, usually not one to resort to swearing, even in her thoughts. When he falters for a few seconds, she lets down the window and hisses, "Get in. I wasn't kidding about the sun." And really, the sky is only lightly clouded, the sun threatening to break through any minute.

He hasn't closed the door when the engine roars to life. They are headed to their house because, as Alice informs him in her thoughts, they are going to shout at each other quite a bit and will need some privacy. Apart from her furious thoughts, she's giving him the silent treatment. As if he needs this on top of everything else. Edward is sure that he cannot possibly feel worse than he already does. The sight of Bella being so battered, pale and broken will haunt him for the rest of his existence. And yet, after all he has done to her, she still loves him. It's impossible, it should be, but he knows her well; she isn't a good liar, so it has to be true.

They drive on in silence and Edward tries to black out Alice's angry thoughts. They arrive at the house too soon for his taste. With a sigh, he gets out of the car and heads to the door. He turns around when he doesn't hear his sister following him. Alice's lips are pursed in disapproval and it's as if she sees him, really looks _at_ him, for the first time in months.

"You need to change, Edward. You look horrible," she says after a long moment, her mind carefully blank.

He throws her a dark look. "Thanks. It's good to see you, too." Swiftly, he opens the door and within seconds he is in his room, rummaging in his hidden stash of clothes. They never leave one of their homes empty. Their world is a sinister and dangerous place and one has to be prepared for all eventualities.

His hands glide over the soft material of the shirt he wore on Bella's first day in school. Edward hasn't dreamt in over 80 years, so he cannot be sure, but this is what a nightmare must feel like. He desperately wants to wake up in the humid attic he spent the last couple of weeks in. At least then there was hope that she was unscathed and moderately happy. Numbly, he buttons the shirt and changes his pants. He doesn't bother to look at his reflection or comb his hair because, really, what does it matter? His Bella is hurt, badly hurt, and he wasn't there to protect her. Not only that but she did it for him, hurt herself only to hear _his voice_. He is undoubtedly the most pathetic creature in existence. His mind has been in a dark place for a long time now but he finds reality a thousand times worse, a hellish place that came up with something more horrible than any punishment he could have inflicted upon himself. And yet Bella is here and alive, a new Bella with guarded eyes and a hesitant smile; and he cannot bear to see the doubt in her face. _But he must bear it because she wants him to stay, which is more than he deserves. _He closes his eyes to recall their reunion.

As soon as he opened the door to her room her exquisite and unique scent washed over him, causing venom to gather under his tongue. Since the day they met, he has craved Bella's blood but seeing her, smelling her delicious scent and hearing her voice after his long, self-imposed exile was the most excruciating pleasure. Yet, he would gladly spend eternity without ever setting eyes on her again, without so much as a memory, if this could make her whole again. A dry sob shakes his immoveable body.

"Edward, stop beating yourself up for a minute and let me do that for you," Alice snarls from downstairs. Defiance and anger rear their heads and Edward is downstairs within the blink of an eye, facing his sister with narrowed eyes.

"You have no right --"

"I have every right!" Alice interrupts him sharply. "I've kept my mouth shut since we left Forks and only because Carlisle asked me to, but no more, Edward!" Her eyes are hard and determined. "Now you listen! We left because you wanted us to and we did so against our better judgement. I tried to talk to you the day after the birthday party, but you knew better, you always know better, right? And where did it get her?" Edward flinches, pressing his lips firmly together. It would hurt if he was human but the only pain he can feel now is internal.

"Where did it get you and the rest of the family? How about our parents?" Alice goes on, gesturing wildly. "Esme is worried out of her mind and Carlisle starts brooding whenever your name comes up, wondering if he did the right thing in letting you make your own mistakes. Yes, he knew it was a mistake, we all did, and you know why?" Alice stops her tirade and only thinks the next words. _Because we know what it is like to be in love. Because we haven't just been reading about it for the last century._

Edward hisses defensively. "Bella is different. She is human."

"We all were at one point. And you're doing it again."

"What?" Edward snaps, his temper spiralling higher and higher.

"Patronising me. Patronising _her_. Relationships don't work like that. You can't have one who makes all the decisions because he thinks he knows better."

"Her choice would be to throw away her soul, _her life_," Edward thunders.

"But it is _her_ soul and _her_ life," Alice shouts back. "You might not like yourself very much, Edward, but she adores you and worships the ground you walk on. Can you really blame her for wanting to be your equal?"

"Yes, because we're soulless monsters, Alice. She is better off --"

"DEAD?" Alice yells, her eyes blazing and her pretty face distorted with fury. "You're such a stubborn, stubborn idiot."

For a moment, Edward is blinded by his fury and the next thing he knows the couch is crashing into the wall behind him.

"I'm glad you threw the couch instead of me or, heaven forbids, the TV Emmett loves so much," Alice comments, her voice dripping with acid. She is so tiny and yet, she can rile him like no other. They don't share the same blood, they don't even have blood in their veins, but somehow she took the place reserved for the sister he never had, the baby his mother lost when he was ten. _Oh Edward, look at you. _Her pity pervades his fury and leaves him defenceless.

"What do you want, Alice? What am I supposed to do now?" Edward asks, deflated.

"Trust Bella to make a few educated decisions of her own. Trust your family to understand what you're going through and trust yourself to deserve her." Alice's hand is on his arm the second he needs someone to steady him.

Deserving her – what a ridiculous concept. "I failed her," he whispers.

"Yes, but she's willing to forgive you."

Forgiveness. Redemption. Things he considered impossible for the longest time. Bella changed that with her trusting eyes and her big heart, which, mercifully, is still beating. He will make sure to keep it that way. Bella will live.

Alice groans beside him, her eyes distant from a vision. _You're kidding me. _"Are you insane?" she asks only seconds later.

"What?"

"Have you listened to anything I said just now? You're doing it _again_. If you stick to that decision you'll make her and yourself unhappy. You want to share eternity with her, she wants to share eternity with you, so what is the damn problem?" Alice seethes.

Edward gives her an incredulous look. "How many people have you changed, Alice? What do you know about the process?"

"Huh?" Alice looks nonplussed.

"Aside from the not insignificant matter of her soul, there is no guarantee that she will heal. Esme did but she was dying and Carlisle bit her immediately. Bella's injury is severe but she is alive and she's been in hospital for three days now. Her body is healing as we speak. Do you want her to spend eternity in a wheelchair? Are you willing to risk it?"

"Are you willing to let her make this decision for herself?" Alice counters.

Edward growls in frustration. "No, I'm not. She's eighteen, she doesn't know what she is getting into!"

"You were seventeen when Carlisle changed you. Would you rather be dead?" Alice's grip around his arm tightens and he can see that she really wants to shake him. _Don't be such a fool, Edward. She loves you more than anything. At least consider the possibility to make her one of us – it is the right thing to do – and I will finally be able to see how things turn out. _

"I won't gamble with her life," Edward grits out. Why can't she see that he's not worth such a sacrifice? Such a risk?

"Fine, be like that," Alice snarls. "But I can assure you that we won't play along this time. I called Carlisle while you were sitting with Bella. We will not return and continue this charade."

It's a slap in the face. "What?" he asks, incredulous.

"The others will stay where they are, Edward," Alice says and her thoughts betray how much she struggles with these words. Edward whips out his cell phone and dials Carlisle's number, all feelings of shame and guilt forgotten for the moment. After three rings, his father answers.

"Edward, how are you?" is his first question.

"There will be time for pleasantries afterwards but I need to know first. Will the family return to Forks or won't they?" Edward says, his voice cold and businesslike. Alice rolls her eyes and goes about separating wall and couch.

Carlisle sighs at the other end. "Not for the moment. You've been in a dark place, Edward, because of your decision to leave Bella. Now you have her back and Alice tells me you plan on staying with her. Considering the severity of her injury there is only one possible road you can take."

"No, no, _no_!" Edward protests, straining to keep his voice down. "Bella stays human. She is not dying, she's alive. You're all so very quick to damn her to our existence."

"She might heal but she's never going to recover from the fall. Edward, do I have to remind you of the aftereffects? Is her bladder functioning? How's her skin? Are there already pressure sores?"

"You're the doctor," Edward growls. "Do you condemn every paralysed patient to death?"

"No, Edward. Life is valuable and if there was no alternative, she would get used to this life and find joy in it. But you _will_ be around her and your very presence will remind her of what could be," Carlisle states, his voice sombre. "Humans are blinded by our beauty and our strength and we are blessed in this respect, no matter what you think. But Bella saw the thirst and the violence, too, and she would still choose our life."

"How can you be sure?"

"Alice saw her asking you. She couldn't see a clear response on your part."

"What if the change didn't make her whole? What then, Carlisle?" Edward asks, cornered.

"There is no precedent for this, I'm afraid," Carlisle admits after a pause. "But chances are --"

"I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES WITH BELLA!" Edward roars. Nearly blind with fury, he throws the cell phone away but, so quick that her movements are a blur, Alice is there and catches it before it hits the wall. _Now, that would have been really helpful, Edward. Carlisle is not taking this lightly, you should know. You're acting like the seventeen-year-old you insist not to be._

Edward stomps his foot in frustration and suddenly the desire to be alone is overwhelming. He needs to be away from his interfering family, from their intrusive thoughts and their ever-present pity. Without giving her another look, he stalks out of the house and starts running as soon as the door falls shut behind him.

* * *

It feels good to be in motion. Faster, faster, the wind rushing in his ears, loud and rhythmic like the blood that used to run through his veins so long ago. Running means feeling alive and freed of all ties. He nearly forgot how deep the woods around Forks are, how pristine and untamed. Trees, rocks and landscape are flying by as he tries to outrun his fervently working mind. At times like these, Edward wishes he could get lost in the woods like a human. But he always remembers the way; it is etched into his brain, even if he closes his eyes. He smells the trees, the wind and everything that creeps and flies. It's a curse, the way he can think about several things at the same time, the way he is always _aware_. Is it the mind of a genius or a monster? Most of the time he hasn't had any doubt that it's the latter. Bella changed this. Bella, lying in hospital, weak and injured. His mind is replaying the scenes over and over again like a broken record. It's surprising that not more of his kind are insane – the way they can obsess over something is truly terrifying. And there is no sleep to rest his thoughts, to relax his busy mind. A continuous conscience, day and night running into each other until time is nothing but a huge chasm to be filled.

_Bella, Bella, Bella, _the forest seems to whisper. She's in every leaf, in every breath. If only he was worthy of her. He exhilarates until the primal surroundings are just a blur in the corner of his eyes.

A small part of him is crowing in triumph that she has not moved on, that she still loves him. The bigger, more conscious part feels contempt and disgust for even allowing himself to think these thoughts. Bella, his beautiful, precious Bella, is broken and how can he let himself feel some kind of perverted pleasure at the thought of what drove her off the cliff? He's a monster all right.

While fighting the urge to return to Forks during his time in South America, he had imagined a catastrophe that would give him a reason, a feeble excuse to return to her and never leave her side again. He had closed his eyes and created every possible scenario while the air was throbbing around him with humidity. And then Fortuna turned her wheel and his despicable wish was granted. Now he has to live with the guilt surrounding him like a worn cloak, familiar and yet strangely heavy with the latest layer of self-disgust.

_What if...what if..._The words torment him. The world of possibilities behind these two syllables makes his head spin. What if Bella wants to become one of them, still? He promised himself always to catch her – shall he grant her wish now that she is no longer able to stumble? He never considered this so openly, not even in the privacy of his thoughts, and the enormity stops him in his tracks. He comes to a halt so quickly that he nearly falls. But then, he fell a very long time ago.

The sudden silence, now that the wind no longer rushes in his ears, sobers him. What a damnable idea! Bella is in this mess on account of him, so he should strive to make it better, not plan her demise. As much as he might crave her to be his eternal companion, he cannot take her most precious possession – her life.

Edward pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to control his temper. He thought she would be safe, so safe. Far away from his world – what could possibly go wrong? Leaving her has been the hardest thing he's ever done, apart from walking into that hospital room and seeing her like this, pale and wary of him, _him_ of all the people! A snarl escapes his lips. All it accomplished was Bella getting hurt – the very person he would gladly die for if he wasn't dead already. Angry with himself, he slams his fist into the nearest tree. It wavers and, with a deafening crunch, it caves in and hits the forest ground, bending and breaking several younger trees and bushes on the way down. An aisle of destruction in the middle of paradise. But no, it isn't a safe haven for them, not anymore.

The werewolves are back and he must be concerned about this. Does the new pack know of the treaty and will they honour it? Are he and Alice being watched already? How many of them are there? All valid points he needs to speak about with his sister. He stood right beside Carlisle when he negotiated the terms of the treaty that secured their getting-along. All of this is now in danger and he sadly lacks his father's patience to deal with these adolescent mongrels. But it's not what rankles him predominantly.

The mere thought of Jacob Black possibly being with Bella this very minute makes Edward clench his hands to fists and elicits an angry snarl from deep inside his tense body. The need to be with her and protect her grows too strong to be ignored much longer. She has a pull on him, this fragile human girl, and her gentle ties are indestructible. His feet start moving before he knows it.

_Bella, Bella, Bella,_ the wind starts chanting again and he loses himself in the sound.

* * *

A new voice has joined his sister's when he arrives at the house. Carlisle is here. Carlisle?

Edward doesn't know what to make of this and tarries half a mile from the house. The head of their little family never lies to them, so why would he deceive him about their return to Forks? And why has he not told him on the phone?

No longer hesitant, he moves quickly into the house, following Carlisle's and Alice's minds as well as their scent. They are waiting for him in Carlisle's study, both quiet and wary of his state of mind.

"Edward, come in," Carlisle says when he stops in the door. _I was about to tell you when you ended our call prematurely. _

Edward nods contritely and takes a seat next to Alice. "Why have you changed your mind?"

"I haven't." Carlisle sighs. "But my decision is not based on indifference towards Bella. Esme and the others are staying where they are but I'm here to examine Bella and renew the contract with the Quileute."

How could he have doubted Carlisle? Shame engulfs him and Edward feels sick of himself. A tiny hand sneaks into his before he can ball it into a fist. When he looks up, Alice smiles at him reassuringly. Her golden eyes are understanding and full of compassion. All of a sudden, it's too much. He doesn't deserve their kindness and patience anymore, not after all they've been through because of him. Something inside him cracks and he has to look away before he makes a fool of himself.

Carlisle's inner voice penetrates the wall he has been keeping around his family since the day he left Forks. _You're not alone in this, my son. But we're no longer willing to watch you suffer. It's time to accept that some things are inevitable. _

"Not this," Edward grits out, long pent-up emotions threatening to overwhelm him any second now. "Not this."

_...tbc_

* * *

_I hope you enjoyed it so far. Many thanks and cookies to everyone who reviewed! Feedback makes my day, so please tell me what you think about this chapter. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. The Twilight universe was created by Stephenie Meyer and consequently belongs to her. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Note: **Thanks a bunch to everyone who reviewed.

* * *

**Chapter four**

After the morning routine and a surprisingly short visit from Renée, they push her bed into another room. They say that she's stable now. Not that the room looks very different from the first. It's small and bleak and the half-hearted attempts at making it a little more welcoming are negligible. She will have to stare at these walls for another seven days until she can be released into physiotherapy. For an irrational moment she's beside herself with fear. What if Edward doesn't find her here? But this is silly, of course it is. He has always found her – if he wanted to. _What if he doesn't want to? What if he left again?_ All her doubts and fears are not going away and they're leaving her anxious and on the verge of tears. Why hasn't Edward returned yet?

She finds out when Jacob pokes his head in, telling her how sunny and warm it is outside.

"How are you?" he asks and sits down on the requisite plastic chair. He brought her wild flowers. They give the room some colour and warm her heart.

"Okay." Bella shrugs. Shrugging doesn't work out so well since she still has to lie on her side.

"Sorry about yesterday," Jacob says. He looks sincere. "I'm only worried. You may not want to remember but I know exactly how you looked the day they found you in the woods. I don't want you to go through this again, yeah?"

The words sting but he's right, so how could she tell him off? Bella nearly tells him that Edward is back, explained himself and promised not to leave her again, but she bites her tongue before the words come out. She cannot be sure that he'll keep his word this time. She cannot be sure of anything. Suddenly, she is glad to be in a new room, a room, in which Jacob cannot pick up Edward's scent. She isn't certain but he can probably differentiate between different vampires. This should be weirder. It would have been two years ago, when she knew nothing of vampires and werewolves and lived a life of blissful ignorance with her mother.

She smiles at him. "How are things down at La Push?"

"Good." Jacob shrugs but she can see that there is something he's hiding. He goes on telling her about the day-to-day gossip on the reservation. Some things make her laugh out loud. She missed this, missed watching his antics, missed being a normal girl who is chatting with a boy of her age. All in all, time flies by while Jacob is underlining his stories with lively gestures. All of a sudden, he leans forward, startling her with the abruptness of the movement. "Is it true, Bella? Are you really leaving?" he asks, voice intense.

Bella is stunned into incoherence. "What?"

"Your room in Forks is upstairs and, on the way home, your mom and Charlie talked about how expensive it would be to rebuild everything for you. You know, the bathroom would have to be fixed, too. Your mom got angry. She wants you to come home with her. I think she blames Charlie for what happened."

"Oh no," Bella groans, horrified. She didn't even consider the possibility that her parents could overreact like that. "Poor Charlie. There is no one to blame but me."

"Sure, sure," Jake says, sarcasm heavy in his voice.

Bella glares at him. "Who else would you blame? I jumped, nobody pushed me."

"You wouldn't have jumped if it wasn't for --"

"Jake," Bella says sharply, "don't even start!"

Jacob's big brown eyes look sad. "I should have been there." Unsurprisingly, he doesn't like the situation any more than she does. "By the way, Bells," he goes on in a harder voice, "did your blood-sucking friend come back?"

Bella sighs, weary to the bone of his hostility towards the Cullens. "Does it matter?"

"I think it does." He leans back in the chair, eyeing her carefully. "You see, there is the treaty I once told you about."

Bella is nonplussed. "They didn't break it, did they?"

"Not yet," Jake growls, starting to tremble. "But I wouldn't put it past them to --"

Bella silences him with her hand. "Really, this is hard for everyone as it is, Jake. Please just...don't."

She can see that it takes him a great effort to regain control. Finally, Jacob gives her a sheepish smile. "I'll do my best."

Bella takes a deep breath, feeling the all too familiar sting in her eyes. "I don't want to leave Forks. They didn't tell me."

"I figured." Jacob takes her small hand into both of his and they are warm and callused and instantly make her feel better. "That's why _I_ told you. Now you've got a chance to talk them out of it, yeah?"

Bella smiles weakly. "Yeah." Her chances are close to zero and they both know it. She's never felt so helpless and it brings out her stubborn streak. "I'll just have to get better."

Jacob nods. "I have bad news concerning the red-haired vamp though. We haven't seen or smelt her since the day you..." He trails off.

"The reason you weren't there," Bella says. "Trying to protect me, as usual. Jake, I'm glad she's gone for now. She's dangerous, she could have killed one of you."

Jacob snorts. "She's only one female and we're a strong pack. Too bad she left before we could get our hands on her. I wonder why she gave up all of a sudden." Bella has the strong suspicion that it has something to do with Alice's and Edward's proximity but she doesn't want to bring the topic back up. Unfortunately, Jacob doesn't need her help. "And now your _friend_ has returned and we don't know where she stands. This means war, Bella."

"War?" She gasps. A terrible numbness spreads through her. Knowing that Jacob and his friends endanger their lives in order to kill hostile and definitely dangerous vampires is one thing but thinking of them going for the Cullens...No, this cannot be happening, she has to find a way to stop this. Dreadful images of Alice warding off a wolf twice her size and Edward battling Jacob, both covered in blood and wincing on account of numerous gruesome wounds, snarling at each other, make her heart thump as fast as the wings of a dragonfly.

"The Cullens may pretend to be good guys but they're bloodsuckers nevertheless. Without their leader one of them will slip," Jacob says hotly.

"I don't think so," says a different voice. Jacob jumps off his chair, a deep, menacing growl escaping his throat.

"Please," Carlisle tries to appease him, his hands outstretched in the universal gesture for goodwill. "I won't do her any harm." He doesn't include Jacob and Bella is sure that this has to do with pride rather than intention. The tension is nearly palpable but, whereas Jacob is trembling with the effort of stopping his transformation, Carlisle looks as calm as if he just came for dinner.

"Why did you come back?" snarls Jacob, just as Bella calls, "Carlisle!"

"Hello, Bella," Carlisle says and smiles warmly at her. How can he be so composed? He turns back to Jacob, who seems to have regained some control now, though he is still very tense. "And you must be Jacob Black. I knew your great-grandfather."

"I know," Jacob all but growls.

"As to your previous question, I'm here to examine Bella."

"She's seen several doctors," Jacob says, eyeing his opponent apprehensively.

"Jacob, please. It's okay. I trust Carlisle," Bella tries to appease her friend. Jacob is aggressive, which was to be expected, but she can sense that he cannot really help it. He seems incapable of relaxing in Carlisle's presence. It's as if his hair stands on end by the mere sight or smell of him.

"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle says politely. "I'm here because I have more experience than any of my former colleagues and because I care for Bella."

"You cared so much that none of your coven was here while she was going through hell," Jacob snaps.

Carlisle inclines his head. "We weren't here, that's true. But not for lack of caring. This, however, is something that solely concerns Bella and my family."

Jacob stares at him for a long moment and then nods in defeat. He turns to Bella with a sad smile. "I hope you know what you're doing, Bells."

"I do," she tells him firmly, trying to make him believe. He huffs and turns to go.

"Jacob, one more thing," Carlisle says, stopping him in his tracks. "I'm ready to reconfirm the treaty any time."

Jacob gives him a hard look but whatever he's looking for in Carlisle's inhumanly beautiful face, whatever sinister motive he alleges to see reflected there, he doesn't find it. "All right. Sam is eager to get this out of the way. In two hours, at the border of the rez. Bring only one of your cold ones with you or we're going to attack."

"I'll be there," Carlisle promises.

Jacob is almost out the door when he suddenly stops in his tracks. He turns to face Bella and shock and hurt are written all over his face. "_He_ is back, isn't he? He's back and you knew." He makes a sound of disgust and slams the door, leaving a trembling Bella behind. Hurting Jake was the last thing she had in mind and yet, she has done it again.

Carlisle wisely chooses not to comment. He brought his briefcase. His face is serious as he steps closer and puts his implements on the chair Jacob just vacated, then takes his time examining her, prodding the slowly healing wound gently and checking her reflexes as well as reading her chart carefully. He asks her several questions in-between and manages to involve her in a way none of the other doctors cared for. She can't help but admire how he goes about his work.

"So?" Bella asks eventually. Her voice sounds anxious, which surprises her because she hasn't cared much about the proceedings concerning her condition before.

"Your fall was very unlucky but you already knew that. Unfortunately, the injury done to your spine seems indeed permanent. I'm very sorry that I do not have better news," Carlisle tells her.

"So am I," she whispers. Then, more hesitant, "Where is Edward?" She has been dying to ask this question ever since Carlisle entered the room. "Does you being here mean that you're all back?"

Carlisle sits down on one side of her bed, more casual now, more like a visitor. "Edward is waiting outside because I asked him to. He's anxious to return to your side but he wouldn't have been helpful during the examination."

Bella feels her face heat up at the thought of Edward seeing her exposed as she was five minutes ago. "I'm just nervous because I'm stuck here."

"Quite understandable," Carlisle assures her. "But as long as he's waiting in the car, I'd like to seize the moment and speak with you about something."

"Oh. OK," Bella says, surprised. The only time she talked, really talked to Carlisle was when he had been stitching her up at her disastrous birthday party.

"Bella, you already have a place in my family, I hope you know that. I consider Edward to be my eldest son and he's changed since you, well, stumbled into his life." Carlisle gives her a warm smile. "But he's never been in love before and he was bound to make mistakes. As you have learned the hard way, Edward tends to overreact. He never does things by half. And I didn't stop him when he decided that leaving you was for the best, even though I knew he'd come to regret it. If I had intervened, it would have spared you both a lot of harm. For that I apologise."

"Carlisle, you're not responsible for anything Edward or I did," Bella says, fighting down a big lump in her throat. She's surprised and touched by his apology but there are too many people feeling responsible for what happened to her. Jake, Charlie, Edward...everyone seems to feel guilty, even though she had been alone on the cliff.

"No, but I feel regret all the same," he says, tilting his head and directing his gaze to the window. It's dusk; she hasn't noticed how time flew by. But of course, he was able to enter the hospital without catching anyone's attention. And now she understands why Edward admires Carlisle so much. He doesn't just live his life, he cares and suffers with those around him, even though he could have turned his back on mankind a long time ago.

"You wonder why that is," Carlisle interrupts her musings. His golden eyes are back on her face. Bella nods. "We're not human, as you know only too well. But I am not sure if you have fully grasped _how_ different we are from you. Some may call us monsters or animals but I found that my kind has a deep capacity for love and hate. We see many things clearer than humans while others escape our notice. Our senses are intensified but we lost some of our former sensibilities. I reckon this has to do with our unlimited lifespan. Some of us are so old that we watched civilisations come and go. The languages they spoke in their youth do no longer exist. If we had human minds we would crack under the sheer immensity of time."

Bella has never thought about this aspect of Edward's existence. Before he left, he had not talked about the history he had seen. Now that she thinks about it, he lived through two world wars and Vietnam. He was alive when China was ruled by an emperor, when Picasso created masterpieces and when man first set foot on the moon.

Carlisle watches her and then nods. "I can see that you understand. It is a fascinating and mind-boggling concept. But our existence can be bleak. We're always aware, always awake. We cannot sleep to escape and process what we have seen and done. Immortality can be a heavy burden but it becomes easier if shared with someone dear. I've been on my own for the most part of my time on earth and, even though my conscience plagues me every now and then, I do not regret creating my companions, my family. I love each of them dearly and their presence sweetens the time that has been given to me."

Bella's throat constricts painfully. "Edward doesn't want me to be that kind of companion," she croaks. No, he made that very clear time and again.

Carlisle frowns. "No, Bella, this is not true. Edward loves you but he is a child of his time. He's caught up in the beliefs his parents taught him and he hasn't lived long enough to see that human rules cannot apply to us in the same way they apply to you. Beliefs and morals change over time and there is no ultimate truth for what is right and wrong."

"But he believes to have lost his soul. You told me at my birthday."

"Precisely," Carlisle agrees. "His feelings for you made him second-guess his convictions but he has believed for too long that we're evil creatures, condemned and banned from the realm of God. Can you blame him for not wanting to inflict such a horrible fate on you?"

Bella shakes her head and heaves a deep sigh. She doesn't care about religion and mortality has caused her nothing but pain so far. She wishes she'd had the opportunity to convince Edward of the contrary before her fall. "It doesn't matter anymore," she says, sadness and regret weighing heavily on her.

The brows in Carlisle's handsome face are knit in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

Bella lets out a bitter laugh. "Look at me, Carlisle! I'm never going to be the same again. Edward has always been more beautiful and better in every single way. Why would he want to spend eternity with me _now_?"

"You're mistaken, Bella! Don't you remember that Esme and Rosalie were both very much on the brink of death, their bodies harmed seemingly beyond repair, when I changed them? My wife's heart was barely beating when I found her in the morgue. She suffered from a fate not unlike yours. Yet, she is perfectly healthy now, isn't she?"

Not that vampires have variable health but Carlisle is of course right. She forgot about the Cullens' stories completely and now her mind is reeling. She doesn't know what exactly happened to Rosalie but she is most certainly the embodiment of perfection. It seems that, paradoxically, dying would cause her body to heal. Hope overtakes her so violently that she starts shaking.

"You are not horrified by the idea." Carlisle's golden eyes watch her carefully.

"No, of course not." Bella shakes her head. "I could be with Edward and you all forever and I could walk again. I hate being so...so _useless_." Now that she knows that there is a way out, she feels the full weight of her actions. She's no longer indifferent to the future. Bella knows what she doesn't want and that's bearing the consequences for her stupid and reckless actions.

"Don't be so rash," Carlisle chides her gently. "Becoming one of us would mean to leave your other family and friends behind. You'd have to say goodbye to your parents forever. Secrecy is vital for us. Edward broke one of the few rules of our world when he told you about us and let you live. As a newborn vampire you wouldn't be able to control your thirst around humans for several years and then you'd be too old to pass with your looks, not to mention the changes your body would go through. I understand that you're not only friends with Jacob but with the whole werewolf pack. Sadly, this friendship would come to an end as well. Werewolves and vampire are natural enemies. The scent of a werewolf is as repellent to us as ours is to them. We cannot stand to be in close proximity to one another. So think about it, Bella. Think about what you'd have to give up. Severing all your ties to the world you know is no trifle and the cut is irrevocable. There is no turning back once you're bitten."

Bella swallows hard. The way Carlisle paints the picture, it looks less appealing, the more so because he keeps to the facts and isn't averse to the idea of her becoming a member of his family. The way the Cullens live makes their existence appear rather glorious but Bella realises that she never really thought about what they all had to give up and leave behind.

Breaking with everyone she loves, never again seeing Charlie and Renée, never again hanging out with Jake – it hurts to just think about it. She would lose a part of what defines her, a part of who she is. Jacob helped her through the worst time imaginable and thereby became a constant in her life. It would tear her apart all over again if she had to cut him out of her life. But deep down she knows that she could survive it. Losing Edward caused the blackest grief and threw her into the deepest depression because he had become her _life_. But she survived his abandonment and it taught her that she's stronger than she thought. There is still a part of Bella that is all _hers_. So maybe this whole mess was necessary so that she can now make the choice between which loss she can bear more easily. If she decided to stay human, she'd have her mother, but she wouldn't be able to see Jacob and Charlie on a regular basis because of the planned move to Phoenix. But at least they wouldn't be out of her life forever. Choosing Edward and immortality would cut her off from all three but it would also make her whole again in more than one way. Edward is not her life, she knows that now, but he completes her. And if she believes Carlisle's words, she completes him, too. They were perfectly capable of living on their own before they met but now they're incontrovertibly altered by the knowledge that the other exists.

Bella takes a deep breath. "Carlisle, if I chose to become one of you, would Edward do it? Would he...bite me?"

Carlisle frowns. "If anyone can convince him to let go of his fatalistic worldview, it would be you. But I don't know, Bella. It's a horrible thing to do to anyone, not to mention someone you love. I really don't know."

She presses her lips together and makes a huffing sound. If only she had more time. As it is, she'll only have a few days until she's back in Arizona. Her old home seems too sharp and real to be part of her life now. Strangely enough, she cannot picture herself in a world without these mythical creatures and the fairy tale world of greens and rain they claim for themselves. Her head is spinning from all the new and startling pieces of information she absorbed. Doubt is a powerful enemy if time isn't your ally. How can she convince Edward that changing her is the right thing to do if she doesn't know herself? She's just a girl and life-and-death decisions shouldn't be on her plate.

Carlisle gets up, startling her out of her thoughts. "Time for me to go. I'll have to meet the new pack leader."

Bella smiles at him. "Thank you for being honest with me and telling me all this."

Carlisle straightens his clothes, looking immaculate and much more like a model than a doctor. "You're very welcome. I believe in choices, Bella, and how could you choose without knowing all the facts? Edward can rave and rage about it but in the end, it's your life and you must decide how you want to spend it."

"What is it like?" she asks hesitantly.

"What?"

"Having to make this decision for someone else."

Carlisle gives her a long, unfathomable look. She gets the feeling that he's looking right through her, sees all her fears and hopes.

"I never had to make it. I don't think I could. That's why I only changed those who would have died without my help." All of a sudden he looks much older and his eyes are almost hollow. He may be remembering all the times he encountered Death and wasn't able to defeat him. And then he shakes his head and the life, such as it is, returns to his eyes.

"I'd send him in but Edward is most likely nothing short of storming the hospital as it is," Carlisle says with a grin that makes it almost impossible to reconcile the troubled man he was only seconds ago with the mischievous guy looking at her now. "Good luck, Bella." With that he takes his leave.

The door opens only seconds later but it's only the nurse, carrying the tray with dinner. Hospital food is just as horrible as people claim it to be. Bella must have lost four pounds by now.

Bella finishes dinner and takes her medicine in record time, hoping that this will speed up Edward's return. As much as she enjoyed Carlisle's and Jacob's visits, she's fighting a wave of disappointment. They cut into the time she could have spent with Edward. The night he visited her seems almost like wishful thinking and her heart clenches painfully at the bittersweet memory. She doesn't want to be so needy, not after learning what this need could do to her, but she can't help it. There is no mind over matter for her.

* * *

She must have dozed off because when she opens her eyes the next time the room is darker and Edward is holding her. The way he half-lies, half-crouches must be uncomfortable but she doesn't want him to move. It's so comforting to be in his arms. Whatever storms she has to weather tomorrow, she can recover her peace of mind in his embrace – at least for a few hours. Time is precious, even more so now that their hours are limited one way or other, depending on her choice and his stubbornness.

"Bella," he whispers into her hair and his voice is full of regret. His delicious scent leaves her dizzy as always but there is something more to it, something she can't quite put a finger on.

"I'm glad you're here," Bella says, bracing herself for what is to come.

Edward stills. "Is anything wrong?"

"That depends. We need to talk about something."

Edward pulls away gently and slides out of the bed. Silently, he crouches on the floor by her side, facing her. His eyes are glowing in his white face. "What about?"

The words leave her mouth so quickly that they tumble together. "Edward, I talked to Carlisle about my options."

Edward's face clamps down. "No." He says it decisively, as if he never even considered it. It hurts but Bella remembers Carlisle's words and they give her strength.

"No, what?"

"I won't talk about it because there are no options. You're alive and I will do _anything_ to keep it that way," Edward replies with his usual obstinacy.

"Then you will have to break your promise," Bella says coolly and it takes all her strength to remain calm.

Edward frowns. "Would you please elaborate before I go crazy?"

Bella sighs. "Renée wants me to move back with her. Jacob told me today. She hasn't let me in on this plan yet, but, apparently, Charlie had no choice but to agree. His house isn't build for housing a cripple."

Edward hisses through his teeth. "Bella, this word his horrible. Would you please refrain from using it?"

She shrugs. "Carlisle confirmed the other doctors' diagnosis. It's the way it is for me now. You may not like it but it's the truth." He glares at her but remains silent. "So you see why you will have to break your promise to never leave my side again."

"Arizona would be inconvenient for me but we'll find a way," he declares but he sounds a little less certain than just a minute ago.

"How would you explain your presence in Arizona or wherever we'd move? Renée and Phil like the sun and you'd have to explain what you're doing there without your family. Plus, you could hardly ever come and see me during the day. Do you want to be my night nurse for the rest of my days? I don't think so, Edward. I don't want this."

"What do you want?" Edward says so quietly she nearly misses it.

Honesty might be the best thing, since they both know what a terrible liar she is. "I want to turn back time. I want to stand on that cliff and turn away. At the same time, I don't want to turn away because it would mean that I'd never see you again." He winces and she yearns to reach out for him, but she has to say her part. "I don't know if I'm ready to become a vampire but things have changed. Leaving Forks means saying goodbye to Charlie and Jake and everyone at La Push, so whatever I choose, I'm going to lose. Look at me," she says sadly and points to her legs. "I lost already."

He has the tortured look that she hates seeing on his face but this time she can't help it. Slowly, he reaches out, letting his cool fingertips caress her face. It feels so good.

"I'm sorry, Bella. So sorry."

"There is something else." The mere thought makes her blush.

"Tell me."

"Edward, I don't feel anything. I could never...we could never..." She cannot say the words, too embarrassed, too afraid that she's the only one who has these thoughts. But Edward catches on quickly and grasps her hands tightly.

"Bella, I love you, no matter what. But is this worth dying for?"

She looks at him, his glorious face, his pale skin, his bronze hair. "_You_ are," she says and means it. Edward curses under his breath and then he's kissing her. It's not tender and gentle, it's passionate and angry and her lips are hurting. She wouldn't have it any other way. Eagerly, her hands move to the back of his neck, pulling him closer, trying to keep him there. This may be nothing, this may be a victory.

A buzzing sound interrupts them. With quick, angry movements Edward gets up and flips open his phone. "Alice?"

Whatever Alice has to say, it isn't good. Edward's expression goes from annoyance to shock to stony resolve. His eyes flicker over to Bella and there is a desperate edge to his eyes.

"What is it? What is wrong?" Bella asks, anxious herself now. Edward ends the call and stashes the phone back in his pocket. "Edward?"

He stares at her for a long moment before he speaks. "Alice saw Victoria coming here. She's not alone. We have to leave. Now."

_...to be continued_

* * *

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